Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of shit!!

几个笑话

1. 唐僧：此番取经应当找个快捷方式！  
　　　　　　悟空：坐飞机比骑马快！  
　　　　　　八戒：神六更快！  
　　　　　　沙僧拿出一支枪：听说这玩艺儿立马就送人上西天。  

2. 如果你觉得被世界遗忘，错过一期分期付款试试。  

3. 阿月要亲自下厨做饭，问正在打麻将的母亲，要淘多少米？  
    妈妈没有听到阿月的问话，一面把手里的牌打出一面说："九筒"。  
    结果那一锅饭让他们整整吃了一个星期。  

4. 一个人骑摩托车喜欢反穿衣服，就是把扣子在后面扣上，可以挡风。  
    一天他酒后驾驶，翻了，一头栽在路旁。  
   员警赶到后...  
   员警甲：好严重的车祸。  
   员警乙：是啊，脑袋都撞到后面去了。  
   员警甲：嗯，还有呼吸，我们帮他把头转回来吧。  
   员警乙：好.....一、二使劲，转回来了。  
   员警甲：嗯，没有呼吸了......  

5. 一游客来到一条乡村马路，见到一个路牌，上面写着："马路封闭，不能前进。"  
    他见前面没什么障碍，自信旅游经验丰富，便继续前进。  
    不久，他发现一座桥断了，不得不回头。  
    当他来到刚才放置路牌的地方时，见到路牌背面写着：  
    "欢迎你回来，傻瓜。"  

6. 从前有个老国王要把自己的两个女儿嫁出去，于是便招来了全天下的王子，要进行招亲。他出了一道题，回答下来就可以把他美貌的大女儿娶走，他让人拉来头大象，题目是：如何才能让大象捂着屁股跳进河里？？？  
         大家面面相觑，这时，长的最丑的波斯王子走了上来，他到大象后面，掏出根针在大象屁股上扎了一下，大象捂着屁股就跳进河里了。老国王无奈只好把大女儿嫁给他。  
         几个月后，他要嫁第二个女儿，他这次出了道更难的题：如何让大象先点点头，再摇摇头，再点点头，再跳进河河里。  
         没有一个人敢出来回答，波斯王子又走到了大象跟前，对大象说："你还认识我把。" 
         大象点点头。  
        "那你还想不想像上次那样。"  
        大象摇摇头。  
        "那你知道该怎么办了把。"  
         大象点点头，捂着屁股就跳进河里了。  

7. 大学时代第一次聚会选在了动物园，  
    大家共同的理由是：  
    只有在这里，才能感慨自己还是个人啊！  

8. 你说：我爱你　 521  
 + 又说：每一天　 365  
    ---------------------------  
         结果呢　 =　 886

摘自：《寄小读者· 通讯七》

我自少住在海滨，却没有看见过海平如镜。这次出了吴淞口，一天的航程，一望无际尽是粼粼的微波。凉风习习，舟如在冰上行。到过了高丽界，海水竟似湖光。蓝极绿极，凝成一片，斜阳的金光，长蛇般自天边直接到栏旁人立处。上自穹苍，下至船前的水，自浅红至于深翠，幻成几十色，一层层，一片片的漾开了来。

[转] 江苏人不看后悔

如果江苏少了徐州,江苏将少了几分霸气；
如果江苏少了淮安，江苏将少了几分骨气；
如果江苏少了连云港，江苏将少了几分神气；
如果江苏少了扬州，江苏将少了几分文气；
如果江苏少了南京，江苏将少了几分王气；
如果江苏少了镇江，江苏将少了几分秀气；
如果江苏少了盐城，江苏将少了几分空气；
如果江苏少了苏州，江苏将少了几分财气。
如果江苏少了无锡,江苏将少了几分和气,
如果江苏少了南通,江苏将少了几分运气,
如果江苏少了常州,江苏将少了几分底气,
如果江苏少了宿迁,江苏将少了几分士气，
如果江苏少了泰州,江苏将少了几分灵气 。
江苏的兄弟姐妹，我们一定要团结，那才能增加我们福气！
江苏没什么可牛B的：就是出了一个周zong li而已（淮安）
江苏没什么可牛B的：就是八大菜系里有一个淮扬菜而已
江苏没什么可牛B的：就是出了一个江ZM而已（扬州）
江苏没什么可牛B的：就是党的总书记胡jintao出生在江苏而已（泰州）
江苏没什么可牛B的：就是亚欧大陆桥的起点而已（连云港）
江苏没什么可牛B的：就是世界五百强有470个在江苏设点而已（苏州）
江苏没什么可牛B的：就是出了一个韩信而已（淮安）
江苏没什么可牛B的：就是朱元樟建都的地方而已（南京）
江苏没什么可牛B的：就是孙中山成立总统俯的地方而已（南京）
江苏没什么可牛B的：就是有一个中国最早建的长江大桥而已（南京）
江苏没什么可牛B的：就是四大名著里的作者有两个在江苏而已（施乃安、吴承恩）
江苏没什么可牛B的：就是出了一个巾帼英雄而已（梁红玉）
江苏没什么可牛B的：就是全国海鲜产量占全国的55%而已（连云港）
江苏没什么可牛B的：就是打过淮海战役而已（徐州）
江苏没什么可牛B的：就是六朝古都而已（南京）
江苏没什么可牛B的：就是年财政收入人均收入各省之间排名第一而已
江苏没什么可牛B的：就是出了个太湖而已（无锡）
江苏没什么可牛B的：就是中国历史文化名城最多的省份而已
江苏没什么可牛B的：就是有个苏州园林而已
江苏没什么可牛B的：就是出了个汉高祖刘邦而已（徐州）
江苏没什么可牛B的：就是出了个霸王项羽而已（宿迁）
江苏没什么可牛B的：就是出了个徐侠客而已（江阴）
江苏没什么可牛B的：就是出了个华西村而已
江苏没什么可牛B的：就是出了一个齐天大圣而已（连云港）
江苏没什么可牛B的：就是出了一个花果山而已（连云港）
江苏没什么可牛B的：就是水晶产量全国第一，伟大领袖mao主席的水晶棺就是连云港东海县出的而已
江苏没什么可牛B的：就是出了个龙井茶叶而已（无锡）
江苏没什么可牛B的：就是有个名字叫“鱼米之乡”而已
江苏没什么可牛B的：就是出了个荣毅仁而已（无锡）
江苏没什么可牛B的：就是出了个唐伯虎、文征明、祝枝山、徐文长四大才子而已
江苏没什么可牛B的：就是河北人自豪的祖冲之是江苏人而已（昆山）
江苏没什么可牛B的：就是出了个明朝第一富豪沈万三而已
江苏没什么可牛B的：就是出了个民族英雄关天培而已（淮安）
江苏没什么可牛B的：就是伍子胥、范仲淹、吴敬梓、茅以升、朱自清、华罗庚、叶圣陶、徐悲鸿、梅兰芳都是江苏人而已
江苏没什么可牛B的：就是科学院院士江苏籍有104人占全国最多而已
江苏没什么可牛B的：就是工程院院士江苏籍有202人站全国最多而已

有一种文字，看了会心痛。

1.姐姐，你千年修行，为了一个许仙值得吗？

2.我们每一步,都走的太早了啊.在学会爱之前陷入,在学会体谅之前分手,在学会面对之前结束.

3.她说这世上必有一个人，会和她不离不弃宠辱与共，如果现在还没有，那是她没有找到，不够幸运，而不是他不存在。

4.我一生中最幸运的两件事：
　　一件，是时间终于将我对你的爱消耗殆尽~~~
　　一件，是很久很久以前有一天，我遇见你~~~

5.你知不知道，思念一个人的滋味，就象欣赏一种残酷的美，然后用很小很小的声音，告诉自己坚强面对~~

6.我们十指紧扣~~~一辈子~~~好吗？

7.喜欢你的话，不要你山穷水复，不要你柳暗花明，不要你阅尽人世，不要你踏遍坎坷。只说，我要我们在一起。好不好 ?

8.有的时候，你很爱一个人，其实只是你自己的事，像一出独角戏。到最后，最感动的人，不过是你自己。可是，有什么关系，不是你自己所选的吗？你选了，再苦再累再痛，有何资格说后悔。

9.你不曾给我一次回眸，我却始终在对你微笑。

10. 我在想你，你不知道。

11.世界真的很小,好像一转身,就不知道会遇见谁.
　 世界真的很大,好像一转身,就不知道谁会消失.

12.我们太年轻 ,以致都不知道以后的时光竟然还有那么长 ,长得足够让我忘记你 ,足够让我重新喜欢一个人 ——就像当初喜欢你一样 ~~

13..也许一个人最好的样子就是静一点，哪怕一个人生活 ，穿越一个又一个城市 ，走过一条又一条街道 ，仰望一片又一片天空 ，见证一场又一场离别 ，于是终于可以坦然的说 ：我终于不那么执着 ~~

14.我想知道，为什么一瞬间我们就在风里长大了， 那些花开 ，那些日落 ，那些单纯清澈的时光 ，那些明亮的青春 ，~~~以及年少的忧伤究竟是怎样穿过我的身体 ，流淌的如此干净~~

15.有些爱，我们年轻时并不懂得；而懂得的时候，我们却不再年轻。

16.如果没有你，如此的良辰美景让我去向何人诉说？

17.我喜欢你，很久了~
　　等你，也很久了
　　现在，我要离开，比很久很久还要久......

A Dirty Pun Tweaks China’s Online Censors

纽约时报发表了一篇关于草泥马的文章.....转载如下....

By MICHAEL WINES

Published: March 11, 2009

BEIJING — Since its first unheralded appearance in January on a Chinese Web page, the grass-mud horse has become nothing less than a phenomenon.

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Songs about a mythical alpaca-like creature have taken hold online in China.

Multimedia

The mud-grass horse

(youtube.com)

A grass-mud horse cartoon

(youtube.com)

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The popularity of the grass-mud horse has raised questions about China’s ability to stanch the flow of information.

A YouTube children’s song about the beast has drawn nearly 1.4 million viewers. A grass-mud horse cartoon has logged a quarter million more views. A nature documentary on its habits attracted 180,000 more. Stores are selling grass-mud horse dolls. Chinese intellectuals are writing treatises on the grass-mud horse’s social importance. The story of the grass-mud horse’s struggle against the evil river crab has spread far and wide across the Chinese online community.

Not bad for a mythical creature whose name, in Chinese, sounds very much like an especially vile obscenity. Which is precisely the point.

The grass-mud horse is an example of something that, in China’s authoritarian system, passes as subversive behavior. Conceived as an impish protest against censorship, the foul-named little horse has not merely made government censors look ridiculous, although it has surely done that.

It has also raised real questions about China’s ability to stanch the flow of information over the Internet — a project on which the Chinese government already has expended untold riches, and written countless software algorithms to weed deviant thought from the world’s largest cyber-community.

Government computers scan Chinese cyberspace constantly, hunting for words and phrases that censors have dubbed inflammatory or seditious. When they find one, the offending blog or chat can be blocked within minutes.

Xiao Qiang, an adjunct professor of journalism at the University of California, Berkeley, who oversees a project that monitors Chinese Web sites, said in an e-mail message that the grass-mud horse “has become an icon of resistance to censorship.”

“The expression and cartoon videos may seem like a juvenile response to an unreasonable rule,” he wrote. “But the fact that the vast online population has joined the chorus, from serious scholars to usually politically apathetic urban white-collar workers, shows how strongly this expression resonates.”

Wang Xiaofeng, a journalist and blogger based in Beijing, said in an interview that the little animal neatly illustrates the futility of censorship. “When people have emotions or feelings they want to express, they need a space or channel,” he said. “It is like a water flow — if you block one direction, it flows to other directions, or overflows. There’s got to be an outlet.”

China’s online population has always endured censorship, but the oversight increased markedly in December, after a pro-democracy movement led by highly regarded intellectuals, Charter 08, released an online petition calling for an end to the Communist Party’s monopoly on power.

Shortly afterward, government censors began a campaign, ostensibly against Internet pornography and other forms of deviance. By mid-February, the government effort had shut down more than 1,900 Web sites and 250 blogs — not only overtly pornographic sites, but also online discussion forums, instant-message groups and even cellphone text messages in which political and other sensitive issues were broached.

Among the most prominent Web sites that were closed down was bullog.com, a widely read forum whose liberal-minded bloggers had written in detail about Charter 08. China Digital Times, Mr. Xiao’s monitoring project at the University of California, called it “the most vicious crackdown in years.”

It was against this background that the grass-mud horse and several mythical companions appeared in early January on the Chinese Internet portal Baidu. The creatures’ names, as written in Chinese, were innocent enough. But much as “bear” and “bare” have different meanings in English, their spoken names were double entendres with inarguably dirty second meanings.

So while “grass-mud horse” sounds like a nasty curse in Chinese, its written Chinese characters are completely different, and its meaning —taken literally — is benign. Thus the beast not only has dodged censors’ computers, but has also eluded the government’s own ban on so-called offensive behavior.

As depicted online, the grass-mud horse seems innocent enough at the start.

An alpaca-like animal — in fact, the videos show alpacas — it lives in a desert whose name resembles yet another foul word. The horses are “courageous, tenacious and overcome the difficult environment,” a YouTube song about them says.

But they face a problem: invading “river crabs” that are devouring their grassland. In spoken Chinese, “river crab” sounds very much like “harmony,” which in China’s cyberspace has become a synonym for censorship. Censored bloggers often say their posts have been “harmonized” — a term directly derived from President Hu Jintao’s regular exhortations for Chinese citizens to create a harmonious society.

In the end, one song says, the horses are victorious: “They defeated the river crabs in order to protect their grassland; river crabs forever disappeared from the Ma Le Ge Bi,” the desert.

The online videos’ scenes of alpacas happily romping to the Disney-style sounds of a children’s chorus quickly turn shocking — then, to many Chinese, hilarious — as it becomes clear that the songs fairly burst with disgusting language.

To Chinese intellectuals, the songs’ message is clearly subversive, a lesson that citizens can flout authority even as they appear to follow the rules. “Its underlying tone is: I know you do not allow me to say certain things. See, I am completely cooperative, right?” the Beijing Film Academy professor and social critic Cui Weiping wrote in her own blog. “I am singing a cute children’s song — I am a grass-mud horse! Even though it is heard by the entire world, you can’t say I’ve broken the law.”

In an essay titled “I am a grass-mud horse,” Ms. Cui compared the anti-smut campaign to China’s 1983 “anti-spiritual pollution campaign,” another crusade against pornography whose broader aim was to crush Western-influenced critics of the ruling party.

Another noted blogger, the Tsinghua University sociologist Guo Yuhua, called the grass-mud horse allusions “weapons of the weak” — the title of a book by the Yale political scientist James Scott describing how powerless peasants resisted dictatorial regimes.

Of course, the government could decide to delete all Internet references to the phrase “grass-mud horse,” an easy task for its censorship software. But while China’s cybercitizens may be weak, they are also ingenious.

The Shanghai blogger Uln already has an idea. Blogging tongue in cheek — or perhaps not — he recently suggested that online democracy advocates stop referring to Charter 08 by its name, and instead choose a different moniker. “Wang,” perhaps. Wang is a ubiquitous surname, and weeding out the subversive Wangs from the harmless ones might melt circuits in even the censors’ most powerful computer.

Zhang Jing contributed research.

// Get from New York Times: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/12/world/asia/12beast.html?_r=4

Established

On March 9th 2009, 6:20 PM